empty promises...

Yeah, I know. I made some empty promises a few months about how I'm going to start blogging again...and then I didn't. I'm awesome. But before you go thinking that it was just me talking a big game without any follow through, let me at least try to give some excuses. I can be really good at those, just check these out:
A) I honestly don't expect anyone to read this blog. And when people tell me they do (or did before I fell off the bandwagon) I'm always surprised.
2) I get tired of hearing myself. Think, talk, write. I think it's healthy to get tired of yourself. I will always support people abstaining from facebook, blog world, twitter, status updates...always. A healthy dose of self-forgetfulness is always the first step back to joy, at least in my life.
D) I cannot tell you how many times I feel something deeply, express it somewhat articulately, maybe even encourage or impress someone with my words, truly mean it with all my heart... and then completely fail at any follow through on those very words. Which means, it could be argued, that I apparently didn't believe it with all my heart after all.

(PS, Did anyone catch the Home Alone reference in this list?? It's Christmas, I can't help myself.)

It's so easy to sound great in written or spoken word. And the thing that baffles me most is that it is never an intentional thing-- trying to make yourself sound better than you actually are. And yet, I want to be clear in this 'talked up' post: I do in fact sound significantly better on this blog than I am in real life. And the longer I'm on this journey toward Jesus the more painfully aware of that I am.

There are a few things that I know to be true about myself: I am deeply in love with Jesus. In fact, I'm quite sure I'm ruined by Him. I am truly miserable any time I try to get my satisfaction from anywhere else. Which means I can have lots of days and seasons of that- because I try to get my satisfaction from all kinds of places more often than I'd care to broadcast. But when I do sense Him near, my joy is unmatched, unmistakable. This, I have NO part in- Jesus' transforming work is the only explanation for it.
I am also quite certain that everyday my feelings whisper something different about the true state of my heart. Some days tears of deep love for Him, complete awe at His transforming work, tenderness towards others. Other days I feel anger, bitterness, insecurity, complete impatience for anyone, and a nagging longing for any and everything BUT Him.
And one thing I know for sure about myself...you won't catch me writing on this blog on days like the latter.
But, for the sake of the truth and letting go of empty promises, I need you to know that the back and forth, flesh vs. Spirit is a daily struggle. I need to know that I told it like it was and not the sugarcoated version. I need to be sure that my goal here is never to earn the approval of anyone. I need to be certain that I'm not attempting anything that would earn the woes Jesus proclaimed on the Pharisees: "Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you are like whitewashed tombs, which outwardly appear beautiful, but within are full of dead people’s bones and all uncleanness. So you also outwardly appear righteous to others, but within you are full of hypocrisy and lawlessness." (Matt 23)
And this... "Woe to you when everyone speaks well of you, for that is how their ancestors treated the false prophets." (Luke 6)
So let this post be a shout-out to a much-feared word by this people-pleaser:
FAILURE.
Something I have become well acquainted with over the past several months. Here's a confession. I am a total failure. I could list you every way I've seen that in my life, and I'm sure I wouldn't even scratch the surface of it (so I will spare you). Now before you stop me to make sure my self-esteem stays intact and assure me that this just isn't true, just let me finish. I'm not despairing over this truth-- that I am a failure. (At least at the moment.) In fact, I've never been more thankful for such a sobering truth about myself. I think GRACE has just begun to sink in. In it's truest form. That God never asked me to be a success...especially a self-made success, which is often what I'm striving so hard for. He just asked me to let go of my pride and simply acknowledge that I am so desperately in need of HIM to save me. This is so central to the gospel. That it's just not about me. What we couldn't do, God did. How can I be so quick to forget the gospel?

"When we forget the gospel... we give the impression that being a follower of Jesus means becoming less broken, less sinful, less hopeless. So we create a caste system of Christianity: there are the really broken people (unbelievers), the fairly broken people (young believers), and the people who have learned to pretend they're not broken (mature believers). Not only is this blatantly unbiblical, it is contrary to common sense...Mature Christians are not those who are less broken, but those who realize the depth of their brokenness and cling all the most tightly to Jesus."
-from Postcards from Corinth by Rick James

So I have some maturing to do...and there is grace for that.

From a heart truly and deeply thankful for the coming of Christ that I might receive grace,
Kristen