empty promises...

Yeah, I know. I made some empty promises a few months about how I'm going to start blogging again...and then I didn't. I'm awesome. But before you go thinking that it was just me talking a big game without any follow through, let me at least try to give some excuses. I can be really good at those, just check these out:
A) I honestly don't expect anyone to read this blog. And when people tell me they do (or did before I fell off the bandwagon) I'm always surprised.
2) I get tired of hearing myself. Think, talk, write. I think it's healthy to get tired of yourself. I will always support people abstaining from facebook, blog world, twitter, status updates...always. A healthy dose of self-forgetfulness is always the first step back to joy, at least in my life.
D) I cannot tell you how many times I feel something deeply, express it somewhat articulately, maybe even encourage or impress someone with my words, truly mean it with all my heart... and then completely fail at any follow through on those very words. Which means, it could be argued, that I apparently didn't believe it with all my heart after all.

(PS, Did anyone catch the Home Alone reference in this list?? It's Christmas, I can't help myself.)

It's so easy to sound great in written or spoken word. And the thing that baffles me most is that it is never an intentional thing-- trying to make yourself sound better than you actually are. And yet, I want to be clear in this 'talked up' post: I do in fact sound significantly better on this blog than I am in real life. And the longer I'm on this journey toward Jesus the more painfully aware of that I am.

There are a few things that I know to be true about myself: I am deeply in love with Jesus. In fact, I'm quite sure I'm ruined by Him. I am truly miserable any time I try to get my satisfaction from anywhere else. Which means I can have lots of days and seasons of that- because I try to get my satisfaction from all kinds of places more often than I'd care to broadcast. But when I do sense Him near, my joy is unmatched, unmistakable. This, I have NO part in- Jesus' transforming work is the only explanation for it.
I am also quite certain that everyday my feelings whisper something different about the true state of my heart. Some days tears of deep love for Him, complete awe at His transforming work, tenderness towards others. Other days I feel anger, bitterness, insecurity, complete impatience for anyone, and a nagging longing for any and everything BUT Him.
And one thing I know for sure about myself...you won't catch me writing on this blog on days like the latter.
But, for the sake of the truth and letting go of empty promises, I need you to know that the back and forth, flesh vs. Spirit is a daily struggle. I need to know that I told it like it was and not the sugarcoated version. I need to be sure that my goal here is never to earn the approval of anyone. I need to be certain that I'm not attempting anything that would earn the woes Jesus proclaimed on the Pharisees: "Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you are like whitewashed tombs, which outwardly appear beautiful, but within are full of dead people’s bones and all uncleanness. So you also outwardly appear righteous to others, but within you are full of hypocrisy and lawlessness." (Matt 23)
And this... "Woe to you when everyone speaks well of you, for that is how their ancestors treated the false prophets." (Luke 6)
So let this post be a shout-out to a much-feared word by this people-pleaser:
FAILURE.
Something I have become well acquainted with over the past several months. Here's a confession. I am a total failure. I could list you every way I've seen that in my life, and I'm sure I wouldn't even scratch the surface of it (so I will spare you). Now before you stop me to make sure my self-esteem stays intact and assure me that this just isn't true, just let me finish. I'm not despairing over this truth-- that I am a failure. (At least at the moment.) In fact, I've never been more thankful for such a sobering truth about myself. I think GRACE has just begun to sink in. In it's truest form. That God never asked me to be a success...especially a self-made success, which is often what I'm striving so hard for. He just asked me to let go of my pride and simply acknowledge that I am so desperately in need of HIM to save me. This is so central to the gospel. That it's just not about me. What we couldn't do, God did. How can I be so quick to forget the gospel?

"When we forget the gospel... we give the impression that being a follower of Jesus means becoming less broken, less sinful, less hopeless. So we create a caste system of Christianity: there are the really broken people (unbelievers), the fairly broken people (young believers), and the people who have learned to pretend they're not broken (mature believers). Not only is this blatantly unbiblical, it is contrary to common sense...Mature Christians are not those who are less broken, but those who realize the depth of their brokenness and cling all the most tightly to Jesus."
-from Postcards from Corinth by Rick James

So I have some maturing to do...and there is grace for that.

From a heart truly and deeply thankful for the coming of Christ that I might receive grace,
Kristen

Kindling.

Back to blog world...and cannot believe how the time has flown. Exactly one year ago, I was preparing to return home (a much anticipated day by yours truly) from Namibia. A year ago, I didn't know what I was going to do once I got home, except bask in the sweet gifts of family and friendship I had waiting for me. I didn't know if I would be going back to Africa, or going to Hungary, or working at a Starbucks or as a nanny, or getting to minister to students, or living at home or with friends. And I didn't care (for a short moment, at least) because I just wanted to be home. I wanted some sense of "comfortable" again, whether or not I would have admitted it to myself. But now, a year later, I laugh at the thought. And I laugh at how many times my heart has yearned to be back in the place that I so often longed to leave. Funny, isn't it? Something about tasting the adventure of following Jesus leaves you constantly hungry for more. I yearn for uncomfortable in a way that makes absolutely no sense to this selfish sinner's heart. But uncomfortable is where I've fallen more in love with Jesus than ever before...so uncomfortable it is.

This last year has been full of many things. Unbelievable gifts from God, heartache, unmatched seasons of joy, ups and downs of ministry, and more lessons learn than I ever expected to learn on this side of the Atlantic. I think I came back believing that God could only rock my world in Africa...or at the very least on the mission field in another country. And, I still do maintain that when you leave the comfortable places of your life, you learn to cling to Jesus in a whole new way and grow to love Him more than ever before. But my last year has been a testimony to the fact that Jesus is a "world-rocker." If you pay attention, and if you want it, He will mess you up, regardless of your geographical location. He will ruin you. And I can't get enough of it.

The way He shakes things up, shakes ME up, and refuses to let me stay in a comfortable, complacent place. He does it for the sake of refining me, to make me look more like Him- to bring out the beauty that is only a reflection of His glory. And because I've tasted this...nothing else will ever come close to satisfying me. I'm ruined for Jesus. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

This last year, I've missed writing. I've missed sharing the world-rocking Jesus is doing to this fragile heart of mine. I've missed learning how to be real when I share thoughts with my blog world friends. I've missed hearing about how the Lord has shaken you up. The joy that flows from having your "world rocked" is only fully complete when it is shared.
But how do you decide if what you have to say is worth sharing? Who really "deserves" peoples' time and energy and thoughts as they read your blog? Not this kid. I make no claim of having something worthy of reading...and I definitely don't claim to be an author or an expert by any stretch of the imagination.
But, I've decided to re-join the blog world because I want my joy to be complete by sharing it with others. I've decided to re-join because I need practice communicating truth and articulating how the Word of God is transforming me. I've decided to try my hand at this again, because I long to put as many sticks in the pile as I can so that the Holy Spirit can light it on fire in your heart, in my heart, and in the hearts of my students. I love this new (to me) analogy that I totally stole it from Matt Chandler-- everything that we say and do with our lives of ministry to others is equal to placing kindling in the fire pit. We put sticks on the pile and pray on our knees that the Holy Spirit lights it on fire. He is the ONLY one capable of transforming hearts, and so we do everything we can to prepare for the fire and wait for Him to light it up.
That's what I want to do with this blog. Just some practice for what I do with my life and ministry. Just the "pre-share" before I share in the day to day life of the real world.

Jesus, light it up. And if there is ever an ounce of truth written here, may we ALL acknowledge that it is of you and from you, and let love explode in our hearts when we hear/read/see it.

More to come about how Jesus is shaking up my world...